I am very disappointed. Out of anger, I can only feel tears in my eyes. I can never show my anger on this man, the only one whom I love so much. I want to tell a lot of things to him, things I love the most in him, things that make me feel bad, everything. But I can't. He is so perfect, one can never get a guy like him. I feel so blessed to have him as my husband yet there are things that make me feel bad. I wanna do things out of love, say, I wanna make my bedcovers ready and the room clean with the flavoured room freshener, just because I should think "this will make my baby love me more, it will lighten his mood and he will kiss me." and I shouldn't be doing things thinking" if I am not doing it, he is gonna shout at me".I shouldn't be scared but loved. He is such a sweetheart, he will never shout at me for at any cost. But even if his voice reaches high, there goes off my mood.
I am trying hard making myself fit against his mood swings. But still I dont know what makes him angry or which causes him to shout. At times I even dont know how to react in those situations. I feel I shouldn't be talking something else which might ignite his anger more. But even if I stay calm, that irritates him. He gets really angry. really really angry. I am shit scared when this happens, he may throw whatever things he gets in his hand. I really don't know how to make him back to normal. I myself don't know how to react, the funny part among everything.
Sometimes when he swears his parents, I can't say anything but imagine one day my son will come and do the same thing. I pray such thing to never happen in my life. I will cut my child into pieces, if he tries to hurt his dad. I know for sure that scenario will never happen. But whenever my husband do that, I imagine myself in my aunt's place and what, I will start crying :) :) I want to tell my baby not to mention about his brother's doing to his mom, for I know, she is already hurt by his brother. I don't want him to keep saying that and remind the wounds on his mom's heart.
You know, my husband is really kind-hearted. He will shout or get angry, but deep down I know for sure, he loves me and loves his parents very much. During our initial days, I knew very clearly he wanted a very good relation between me and my mother-in-law. He always wanted his mom to be happy and at peace. No one really knows how sweet he is. Of course, apart from me :)
I wanted him to appreciate/encourage me when I am in kitchen. Afterall, I am making all these efforts only to cook for him when we are alone. But as honesty defines him, he will say that what I cooked was crap even in my initial effort and there it goes. That's not a big deal though. I have come across many situations like this, in office, in my personal life, so this small thing doesn't matter. If you ever want a honest review of your cooking skills, you can always contact my hubby :) I used to think of my parents here, whatever I did, even if that's an absolute garbage, my sister will be the first one teasingly encouraging me to carry on, while my dad used to say "this is the wonderful dish! even your mom doesn't do like this!" while my mom comes and kiss me as if I have all the talent in the world. So, just for this sake, though I know my dish was a failure, I would put on all my efforts in my next dish and try to give them the best. I will follow this one from my parents and my kid will praise me one day like I do.
Recently, myself, my husband and my aunt were discussing about one of our cousins. We were talking such that the cousin should support her parents after she gets married. When she can do that, why not me? I have already been thinking of giving a very small portion of our income to my parents. when this topic came up, I told him my suggestion, which he simply refused. That hurt me really bad. I don't why or what he is thinking, but a small portion shouldn't really be a constraint. Well, we still have time to discuss :)
He doesn't know so much is running on my mind, that I feel so frustrated. That I want to talk all these things to him. But I can't talk when I look into his lovely eyes. I really feel only love and my anger vanishes. Looks dramatic, but that's the fact. And that's why here I am writing and letting out all my frustrations. I am keeping on asking him to quit smoking, I don't want our kid to even know the trace of his smoking. Like how he appears perfect in my eyes, he should be adored by his daughter/son. He loves a girl kid more than boy. I know he will do anything for me, but I doubt when he will quit smoking. It shouldn't be like one day I will die and he will remember me asking him to quit smoking :)
The one and one man who taught me the definition of love, who is the best of everything, will keep on remaining as perfect as always. I may look like a cry baby to you now, but you will understand, one day, it was just not me crying, but my love for you. My frustrations which turned into tears, only for you. I love you, to the pluto and back.
Your's Sankari.
